Reflections of Purpose and a Happy 38th Birthday to my Dad! ;)

This is going to be deep but I feel called to do it. Last Thursday in Bible Study at my church the topic was God’s calling in your life. I jokingly but somewhat seriously blurted out to deal with alcoholics!

Funny but not funny.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

I am really fortunate because my Granny was a very faithful lady. I don’t know the entire story but I understand she went to be Baptized when she was in her 20s with her sister Barbara. They lived in Shetland (UK) where my dad is from. My Granny if you were fortunate enough to know her is a fruit of the spirit. She was full of “joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.” Galatians 5:22. If you consider Corinthians 13 in the Bible it says “Charity (Love) suffereth long, and is kind…” She was that. I know she prayed for her family. She prayed about everything. And she would speak “In Jesus Name” to ward off things that weren’t meant to be in her presence. She was truly one of a kind, and I aspired to be just like her. I still need some polishing. As simple and unmaterialistic as she was, she acted with the dignity of a royal after all she is a daughter of Jesus.

She had two sons. My dad and my uncle. They came to Canada in the 50s. Both of them struggled with alcohol. They were raised in a culture where men had just come home from war and were enjoying the drink to numb their pain. In hindsight I know liquor as a dangerous poison but I was raised where liquor was a good time at least on the surface. My granny would have the odd evening little glass of Sherry but she wasn’t really a drinker. The Bible talks about not being drunk. Drunkness is a sin and though my Granny was human and sinned as well all do, she tried to avoid it.

I know she prayed for me. I was her first grandchild and being a girl after having raised two sons I was just a little extra special to her and named after her. She sure loved me, and I knew she did. One of the things about the demeanour of someone that is gentle and kind is that it bothers you to disappoint them. You don’t want to disappoint someone you love and respect. God and people that love you want to guide you gently by example not by force. Freedom.

So being human and growing in a culture where alcohol was in our face, I rode the wave! Most of my adolescent and adult life I spent on the ledge teasing alcoholism. I had every risk factor. And I know it was because of the faith that my Granny instilled in me that I never succumbed entirely. Sometimes I would go off course and get myself in to hot water or go too far but faith always seemed to rein me back in just in the nick of time. I had the word of God thanks to my Granny’s faithful teachings. I consider myself a Christian – I have always believed in Jesus and felt I knew the word in general (I have read the Bible) but I wasn’t really living it. So only by the Grace of God have I not been taken captive completely by addiction. I was never too interested in drugs thankfully.

Like I said I grew up in a home with alcohol. But I was very fortunate. My courageous father sobered up when I was 11. I say if you knew my dad when he was drinking (Duncan) you’d never believe he’d quit drinking; similarly, if you know him now, you’d never believe he (James) liked his drink as he did. My dad like my Gran is good-hearted. On the day I post this blog he will be 38 years sober and spends a significant amount of time helping others get on the path to recovery. He is the kindest, most gentle spirit. I don’t remember him being a bad drunk, if anything he was fun, but in my adult perspective, I do realize that wasn’t the best way to raise a family. My dad was hiding his own hardships in alcohol looking for that liquid courage. But he recovered by the Grace of God.

Here is where my first witness to faith happened. When I was young and my dad drank, it wasn’t a big deal to me. I am sure for my mom it was more of a challenge. But for me I loved my dad. He was soft and kind and all those good things, and fun! I recall fishing and going partridge hunting with him. Going to get a Christmas tree up some bush trail in knee deep snow. Driving around in our old Buick Regal up the mill road listening to music – like Marty Robbins on cassette! Him reminding me I am a tough little Viking when I was getting my stitches at Geraldton hospital. Overall growing up in Northern Ontario we had a good life. But there was one particular morning that things seemed out of control to my young mind. My bedroom was in the basement. I could hear very early in the morning my dad upstairs cracking a beer. I knew that wasn’t right. Dad should be going to work. He was an accountant at the mill. But there had been somethings going on in our family at the time, no doubt related to the drinking. There was unrest and lots of conflict with my parents. Anyways on this particular morning, my dad was opening that beer before 8 am. and I knew that wasn’t good.

My mom was Catholic and my dad’s family presbyterian. So I did have the teachings in Catholic Sunday school about the rosary. So on this particular morning when I was scared I took it out, my rosary in my jewellery box and started praying the beads with a Bible in hand. If I recall that is 50 prayers! You won’t believe what happened next.

My dad left for work, came home a little bit later with his boss – he was being taken to rehab at the Smith Clinic in Thunder Bay. My dad never drank again. That was my first experience with a near instant miracle. And I have known since then that if I ask, God will answer. He doesn’t always answer right away but He hasn’t disappointed me yet. It was around that time I would start praying for my dad’s brother, my Uncle. My Uncle was also an alcoholic.  He did eventually sober up at 60. He had a cottage in Muskoka throughout my childhood. I spent my summers there and some other vacations, and even lived there for a bit. I was very close to my cousins and friends in the Bay. I think of them all as close family.

My uncle had this shed – which to this day I call the local pub. Everyone hung out there. Kids came and went looking for help to untangle a rod. The men gathered to have a wee dram and tinker with boat motors and talk politics like men do. It was pleasant, but as I was getting older and in particular when I lived with him as a teen, I would come to know the drink was slowly killing him. He got worse over time. I would get calls from the local restaurant “Alice can you come get your uncle.” Because he’d be falling asleep at the table at the Sundowner. I write that with a smile thinking about that little breakfast stop! I loved my uncle, like my gran and my dad, he was a sweet, kind, patient and loving soul (the fruits). It seems to me that’s the exact people the devil likes to go after because he doesn’t want them spreading those seeds of love. If he can keep them thinking poorly of themselves, then he can keep them from sharing how wonderful they are. You ever notice the people that look like they should be the good guys are often the wolves in sheep’s clothing but the person on the corner with an addiction is the one that would give you the shirt off his back without a second thought. That’s no mistake. Like I said – I swear the more beautiful of a heart you have the more challenges you face in life. What is it they say, God gives his biggest battles to his most prized soldiers. Who would speak to God’s grace if they hadn’t seen it in their life?

Funny enough as I am doing all this praying for my uncle I myself am starting to enjoy the drink more and more with my peers. And I was getting better at it all the time. My cousin in Shetland once said “Alice, you come from a long line of accomplished alcoholics.” I didn’t think too much of my own habits, I was just partying with my friends. It was the thing to do. Sometimes I was better at it than them. I never got in trouble with drinking and driving, for the most part I didn’t miss work because of it. But in hindsight, I missed out on a lot because of it. My first real eye opener came during Covid. I lived in Alberta at the time. I was at work and the call came from my cardiologist to go home. I am divorced so my daughters went back and forth between me and their dads – but during Covid it was just best they stay with their dad as that’s where they went to school. So it was just me in this bungalow. So on my way home from work that day in March 2020 when we were told to stockup I was thinking I better just get oatmeal and beans and leave the good stuff for families. I am just one person so I don’t need much – I am used to living light. But then I went to the liquor store – and I piled up! I don’t remember the bill but it was sizeable. I went home. I don’t generally mind being alone at home, but I don’t like being forced.

Suddenly, I am not allowed to travel and I am at home – I am an outdoor animal so locking me inside is cruel. Not only was I locked inside but I was alone – no family could come over, no friends, no work colleagues checking on me. It was really cruel! All that was left for socializing was me and Facebook and an app called Houseparty. Slowly over a few days/weeks a group of me and my friends would start having regular seemingly all day Facetimes. I had this routine, where I’d start drinking in the garage, then move to the living room, then end my night in the basement. I couldn’t leave the house but that was one way to change scenery - move room to room – I used to call it a pub crawl. One of my friends in particular was also an accomplished drinker!   What scared me was that slowly everyone else would drop off the call but at 8 a.m the next day it was a toss up which one would last the longest, me or this other accomplished friend. It was a wake-up call that I could keep up!

During Covid – I ended up getting a really awesome job and moving to Toronto. I ended up living with my girlfriend for a bit, and then eventually my boyfriend at the time moved there. The drinking continued – balcony-patio style! But what happened next came as a complete surprise. My boyfriend was diagnosed with diabetes. Being the loving and supportive girl that I am that was it, I wouldn’t drink anymore to support him. I didn’t drink again for 18 months. Him and I didn’t make it (relationship wise) but I continued to refrain from alcohol. The longer I didn’t drink the more I saw it for what it was – it was poison. It drained me of my finances, it stole my time and my health and my sleep. Now that I wasn’t drinking, I had more money to do things, I had more energy, I didn’t sleep half of the next day, I slept better. I didn’t have horrid headaches and gut pains. So, by God’s grace – I saw booze for what it was – worthless. It added nothing to my life and by refraining – I gained so much.

I came very close to going backwards again. I ended up reuniting with a childhood friend who liked to drink. We hung out quite a bit and for a brief time I got back in to it but I came to realize really quickly I was playing a dangerous game and was risking going back down a path I no longer want to go down. One day while me and my friend were hanging out, I got a call about a job in Northwestern Ontario relatively close to where I grew up. I knew my friend was disappointed I was leaving but I knew that it was the right to do. I deeply knew God wanted me to go. He was calling me and I had my suspicions as to why. This part of my story is a lot deeper and more complex but it’s very personal so I won’t get in to the depths of it. But it was a choice to come up here that would break my heart despite it being the right thing to do.  Life ain't fair!

I have been living with a broken heart for well over a year now. But it was almost a blessing in disguise because I had to keep going and I came to learn a lot over the last year and a bit. First, I am so blessed that my heart is broken because it’s a testament to how much love there was. In my old life a broken heart meant let’s party. It wouldn’t be too long and I’d have a new friend to hang out with but this time is different. I didn’t turn to booze or quick fix relationships. I just came out of a period of time with someone that filled my heart with joy and had those fruits of the spirit and the only way to recover from that is patience and time. I can’t drink it off. I don’t even want to. So in my new found ways of coping, I have been doing some fun things. The best way to heal isn’t to poison yourself, it’s to fill yourself with goodness – healthy food, fun hobbies, friends, exercise. So while your hurting, you can also find joy and gratitude for what is going right.

Once I moved back to northern Ontario I got busy paddling all the time and camping and road trips up bush roads. I had friends in other towns that I could go visit on the weekends. I was busy enjoying life. I was missing my friend deeply and hurting and feeling guilty about leaving but knowing I did the right thing. I have to stay healthy and keep watch on myself so that I don’t go down a path of no return. I do believe that God has a plan for us beyond our comprehension. “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” John 13:7 And I faithfully leave that in God’s hands.

I am thriving in my alone time. One weekend last fall I was visiting someone when I fell down a flight of stairs. I ended up needing surgery for a bucket tear of my MCL. I really had nobody around to help me when I got home. It felt kind of humiliating because I was in the hospital and had nobody to come pick me up. I know friends want to help but everyone has jobs and stuff and I don’t like being a burden. I managed to find someone that did volunteer pick ups for medical patients to come get me home from the hospital (two hours away from home). I appreciated his help but I felt a true sense of aloneness and vulnerability going home injured with nobody to help me. I had to really fight to do anything. I struggled to get in the shower on my own, or to make dinner because I couldn’t stand right. My fall cleaning got ignored, my housekeeping was to be desired. I was on crutches. It was just not a good time, but at the same time, I found tremendous strength and courage and a great deal of self love. I also have a great sense of humour – i.e. I can laugh at myself. I was unable to go outside to do anything which is the worst thing you can do to me especially when I had been so excited to go out snowmobiling and skiing and all that good stuff. But I was physically unable to go and it didn’t snow.    I was stuck at home – alone! A broken heart and a busted knee but no booze like during covid. It would be just me and my thoughts. I did a lot of reading, crocheting, Facebook messenging and reading my Bible and reflecting on things I have done I wasn’t so proud of and also my accomplishments. I did a lot of inner work. God wanted me to slow down – I don’t doubt that. He wanted me focused not on what I could do for myself but what He was doing in me. Like hey kid, your busted and bruised and I’m all you got now – so listen up!

Once my knee started getting well I wanted to make an effort to get to know people in my community and be part of something rewarding. I found a church here to attend. I fell in love with the people there. I now have my church friends and I love my little town. I am not entirely alcohol free as I will have a beer with a friend at a campfire but I am so full of better things to do now that drinking has no reward for me. If we are being honest, it never did except to fit in with my peers.

Looking back on my life – I have lost a lot of people to drinking. Drinking and driving accidents took lives of a few and illnesses related to drinking. In one instance a friend lost limbs, then his eye sight then his life. He was only in his 40s. In another instance a friend came very close to dying but managed to recover and stay sober. I have seen families torn apart by it. It’s just not worth it. And like I said, its only by God’s grace that it hasn’t overtaken me and its only God that can keep me from going there – so I better stick close to Him. My Granny’s prayers seem to have kept me from going too far. Though I definitely tested the boundaries and pushed my luck in my life.

The point of all this.

The last few weeks I have been burning out. I started going back to school at the beginning of September and I was trying to go to bible study on Thursday and church on Sunday, and working. I was just feeling spread way too thin and embarrassed and frustrated that I felt this way. I was doing some course work one night when I was reflecting on younger Alice when she felt overwhelmed. If I was doing course work and it was stressing me out – I’d go out and party – come home finish my assignment five minutes before the deadline and get an A! But was I really learning?

Older Alice is struggling. School in 2024 is nothing like in the 90s. I can’t even read that fine print without my glasses and it’s a struggle to learn how to cite things from websites. We didn’t do that back in the day. The internet was relatively new – we were still using textbooks, and binders. I am going to school but I am also learning how to be a student again, it’s challenging. But now instead of taking off to go for a drink – I am sitting here and being frustrated and facing it then working through it and carrying on and being more observant of what’s “really” bothering me and more honest about what it is about me that needs to change to keep me on course. What tools, what help, what can I give up?

On Thursday when they talked in church about God’s purpose I felt I needed to go for a drive just to think and have some time to chat with God, as I often do. On Saturday I went to the city two hours away. I needed a new laptop for school and some books anyways. I stopped at some scenic spots and did some walking to soak in the autumn colours.

What I came to realize was if I was going to be walking in God’s purpose, I needed to be more patient with myself with school, and it was ok if for this semester I only take one course instead of two while I learn how to be a student again and how to be efficient with my reading glasses.

I am loving my church, but it’s going to be ok if some days I don’t make Bible study – so I picked up a Study Bible so that on those days I can’t make it – I can still do my own thing. What is important is that I am reflecting and that I am taking my learnings with me. The Bible is wonderful. Christian or not, it is the most influential bit of literature of mankind. It’s history! And if you love to learn it can’t harm you. It has so much wisdom in it if you are willing to open your heart to its word. I am feeling fulfilled and inspired by the community of church people from every walk of life. There is something wonderful about being in fellowship with your neighbours. How often have we said – we miss the good old days or talked about that person we admired from our childhood for their kindness.  Guess what, in the good old days – people went to church and had Sunday dinner with their loved ones. So going back to the good old days is really easy! We just have to do it and forsake some of the things (ie Sunday hangovers) that steal that time from us.

I thought about the friend I had to say good bye to; thankfully, I know there is a mutual respect and love for each other a very unique unexplainable bond that won’t be harmed by time or distance – It will always just be. I am grateful for the bittersweetness of me having to leave, I wouldn’t be this hurt if I hadn’t felt so loved, seen and understood. It was a really special time with warm nostalgic vibes that will give me some wonderful memories to cherish.

My purpose at this moment was to share my reflections about alcohol and if I can encourage you to a healthier life by sharing my stories (these are just highlights) that’s a pretty decent purpose. The other part is for me to go about my day trying to plant those seeds - joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control in everything I do. I don’t need to know my path specifically – because if I am walking with a view to planting the seeds  – the path will reveal itself. My purpose like all of ours is to love and be loved. Cherish each other – show love, patience, compassion and charity. We are all a work in progress and at different stages of our own path. But it’s a lot easier to get through it if we are in it together. Be patient, forgiving and kind to yourself first though because if you don’t love yourself it’s kind of hard to love others!

Take the gifts that God gave you and play your hand (plant your good seed) and don’t be afraid to share your story you never know who it’s helping.  God Bless.

HAPPY 38 YEARS SOBER BIRTHDAY DAD! 
Thank you for demonstrating courage and sharing your wisdom!  

 

 

“You will know them by their fruits.”

“Every good tree bring forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bring forth evil fruit.”

Mathew 7:16-17

Writer’s Note: After writing this blog I sent it to my dad to make sure he was ok with me sharing a bit about his story. He sent this:

“Your description of my last drinking day on October 2, 1986 is a bit off- I never went to work that morning I was on my way to the liquor store!!  I bumped into Frank not once but twice that morning.  He finally took me to a beautiful, lonely cabin on Lake Superior.  He cooked me a fabulous steak dinner and allowed me to finally surrender to my disease and accept help.  Three days later he drove me to Thunder Bay, the Smith Clinic.  There was a sign over the door “a fresh start” and it was!  I’ll celebrate 38 years on Wednesday (Oct 2).”

 From my Saturday drive -

Terry Fox Monument Thunder Bay.

Kakabeka Falls


Kaministiquia River at Kakabeka Falls.


Silver Islet near Sleeping Giant Provincial Park 


More Silver Islet Harbour.


More Silver Islet Harbour





Of course my dad with his namesake granddaughter...  My favourite picture of him because it's soooo him..  Fun and loving!  Photo was taken at Clearwater BC.